You Are Alive

NOTICE

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 11:41:19 GMT

THIS JOURNAL IS NOW FRIENDS ONLY

It's been like this for a while now, mainly due to people interfering, or trying to, with my life.

Please feel free to get in contact if you're curious.

-Dane :)

And another feeling fades

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 21:54:35 GMT

And so here I am, I'm back in England.

The US was crazy, amazing experience but not so on the fun factor. Good times though.

Being in California, Arizona and Nevada and driving hundreds of miles everyday watching each town fade into the next, tree after tree, hill after hill made me think about Sarah a lot. Bring her back, from that guy? No... I'm torn over that still. How lame.

I am so very very very tired of making a mess.

And so worn out.

¦¦¦

Here we go...

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 17:02:32 GMT

So this is it... The last day in England before I leave.

Woah I'm getting pretty excited now, I've waited for so long and I'm FINALLY going.

Didn't get in til like 7am this morning so I've not been awake very long, gonna like totally hurry up and finish packing before going for a few drinks.

Then up early tommorow and onto that super dooper plane to the west fucking coast... Wooooooo! :)

I'm gonna take like a zillion photos, I have like two 512mb memory cards for my mobile phone which has a 2mp camera so shud be allllll good!

So... Here we go, Dane is getting to do what he does best... Meet loadsa random people, travel, go to the states, and tour and rock out. I think that's what I like most about me, I can embrace pretty much anything I throw myself head first into.

So goodbye for now, stay safe, drink your milk and all that. Oh, and remember...

LIVE FOR THE MOMENT NOW!

California Here We Come...

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 22:00:10 GMT

Not long to go now... I'm stressed though, with packing, with work, with arrangements.

It's unlike me, I need to chill out.

Oh and I've lost my voice.

Word Hurt

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 18:52:37 GMT

Fuck her, who does she think she is coming out with something like that? Amber needs to stop pretending to be mature.

So the weekend was mad, but rar rar rar they all are. Fuck yeah... Or not, I'm not happy today really. I'm kinda, annoyed. I feel anxious... And tired, yet I'm still sat here writing bullshit and talking to a girl I don't even like, oh and Sarah... But that's ok, cause Sarah is someone I do like. And that's kinda like my permanent problem lol.

I spent a long while last night at Katies, kinda trashed off my face on an assortment of liquors, wine and beer. Ohhh yes. But we had meaningful and good conversation. I wish I could bottle and sell the feelings I feel when I'm with Sarah... I'd make millions. (don't need your money) That girl... And the conversation flowed, and my witty remarks caused smiles and lots of laughter. But then that one phone call, from him, and she was gone. And then I'm there, with so many people but at the same time alone. And I'm looking at the stars, and I'm wondering... Wondering why that very person, one girl in the whole wide world still means so much to me. And then Hannah shouts over "Dane, Dane... BOYOOOO!" or something crazy like that, and I'm back... I'm back in and thinking, thinking that... Well I can't remember, I just forgot.

So today, late to work again. Tired of the bus already and feeling lonely. It's too hot at work and there's no-one nice to hang out with, there's not even that cute chick to chat to. How I wish we could just go for a coffee break or something, man that place sucks.

But tommorow is a new day, and anything could be instore for me. Roll on America, roll on California... But right now, I'm not feeling it. Nothing's packed.

I'm very tired.

My thoughts are out there.x.

"don't wait..."

Objection!

Tue, 29 May 2007 21:13:08 GMT

So I gotta head down to Court tommorow... I guess the drive home from work today was the last drive I'll be taking for a long while.

But hey. :)

Crazy weekend, I ended up getting to Phils at like 3am last night once we'd left rocking out downtown... Sooo bad, I had work at 8, he musta turnt the alarm off or something cause I woke up and it was like 7:30 and I was like "shiiiiiiit!!!" so I had so like russsh so much, I ended up getting to work 1 hour late, but luckily the boss was cool with it all.

I was pretty suprised this evening, Amy added me to msn, one of the cute Ohio Students we've been hanging out with. She's one of those people I met and instantly liked, and I know I -always- say this when it happens, but it's been a while. Too bad she's only in England for another 4 weeks. :( Best make the most of it!

One of the other Ohio Students is kinda on my case, she's like beginning to really grate on me now, I think she likes me though so I don't wanna be mean or anything. Gah.

But yeah, so court, I've a good feeling about it... Suprisingly. I'm not in the least bit nervous.

I nearly lamped some Canadian guy in Walkabout last night, jeeeeesus, what an ass.

Good times though, not long now til tour!!

Wooooo!

-Dane

So Keep Excuses To Yourself

Sat, 26 May 2007 12:16:02 GMT

I'll never get you.

Lot's has been going lately, lot's and lot's... And I FUCKING love it, cause I'm not here to sit around, I'm hear to sing the anthems of our lives and change lives. And slowly, but surely I'm learning the ways of the world.

Let's not ignore the problems in the world, right now I'm focusing on 'people' what is wrong with soeciety... Why are some people so nasty towards each other!?

My Moms boyfriend has done it this time... He's banned from coming by the house this time, after being arrested once again. What a loser seriously, and fifty off years old he tried to start on me last week at my first part of the birthday celebrations and ended up coming off worse. The guy is a serious loser.

Ok what else has happened? Well my whole birthday thing rocked, basically people came over for a BBQ friday but it rained so we did it at Doms instead, then walked down to mine and had some BEEEER :D and music, and fun really... Everyone had a good time, and I don't know why but even if I make minimum effort to organize something everyone still has a real good time... It's crazy, when other people do that it sometimes ends up being a flop. Saturday me and Phil went downtown london and arranged for everyone else to meet us at 7, just before we went to meet everyone Phil spotted this chick walking by us with some sweet tats, so he was like "Hey nice tats!" and an American accent returned a "thanks! :)" and so then I turned about and started chatting to them with Phil... So like we got chatting, and I found out they're from Ohio, the same state as Sarah :) :) :) plus they're all kinda cute so we asked them along with us, but ended up meeting up with them like an hour or so later... And it was like fate, or something crazy like that cause we really hit off with them, they're here for like another 4 weeks and we've been hanging out with them a fair bit, they're coming along tonight...

To KATIES birthday party, woooo! It's also Pauls b-day so it's allllllll gonna rock.

Love life, it's amazing.

Under a month til I go to CALIFORNIA on tour!!

and Ronnie Day's journal entries rock harder, so check him out!

I promise I won't let you down if you take my hand tonight

Dane xxx

I've really done it this time

Sat, 12 May 2007 16:09:51 GMT

Fuuuuuck

I'm in a little trouble.

Got arrested last night... Baaaaaad things.

Take It All With Me

Thu, 10 May 2007 21:09:54 GMT

I just keep on driving, I know it won't be long.

I don't have time for seriousness right now, it drives me mad.

I don't have time for seriousness with that Amy chick, that's for sure... What have I gone and done now! Eeek, she stayed at mine Friday = bad things. I used to be someone who loved the idea and cutsieness of relationships... Now, I guess I want fun more than anything keeping the rest reserved for someone really special if they come along. Amy likes me way more than I like her. So Dane got it wrong again, still. No worries.

Band, the whole thing is still feeling like a waste of time... I felt uplifted when we started putting together a PROPER song, but it's all going to pot again - fucking idiots.

So, the tour is payed for... I'm broke, I spent too much last weekend and this week for some reason I'm not too happy. Oh, and the weather sucks. But I'm trying more than usual, to be like "fuck it" cause worries are worthless.

My job has way passed it's sell by date with me, I need something new and I need it fast, and I need more money to live - I'm in dire need of somewhere new to live.

Then there's her... And the silly crush I still have, wow. Next week might be cool. =]

Sarah is on my mind... And she shouldn't be. There's no escaping though... A year ago tommorow.

this is my story, listen carefully...

Scars

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 21:50:29 GMT

Life is funny. I always say this.

I had another amazing weekend, this time in a different way. The highlight of my week was obviously Amy, she came up yesterday for Charlies party... Which didn't pan out too well, but hey, Amy was there! We had a laugh and she got to meet some of my friends, espesh Phil and Hannah... She also got to meet Sarah, not that I planned that one. Jesus, what is up with that girl, she was behaving so oddly all night long. We kinda argued about it today, cause obviously... Sarah is always right and I'm always wrong. Haha, she'll never learn! Luckily, I've this great new ability to laugh alot of silly things off. Good people matter. Amy matters. :)

So things are looking good, I really like her... It's crazy though, so much stuff has happened so quick. I hope it doesn't fuck up, she does really seem to like me though. She got a little upset last night when we went to sleep, and like, we pretty much spent the whole night talking about stuff that was upsetting her and that. She thinks I'm amazing for that... But I mean that's just me? But anyway, she rocks. She kinda invited me, well not kinda... She has, invited me to her leavers prom... I was kinda shocked at first, I mean I've not known her long. It's like right after I get back from the states, which seems kinda far off yet. I mean we could like, not be talking anymore by then nevermind seeing eachother... But we'll see, I've got a good feeling about it all. Imma try and arrange to take her out this week, and like ask her out properly :) We'll see.

So stuff is good, saw Stu over the weekend too... Hahaha that guy, he rocks so hard. Something tells me it's gonna get me in trouble tommorow tho lol. Band practice tonight kicked ass, got there well late and nearly set the place on fire... Buttttt... We've started putting together a KICK ASSSSSS new song. It really sounds, like, catchy and perfect. I can't wait to get it finished. Stu also wants to play in a band with me lol.

So my holiday is sorted, I'm broke now lol... But there's so much to look forward to, as small as having a laugh at work and some cookies to flying out to California and having Amys prom to look forward to when I get back!

So, in the words of Ayyyynand, "it's all good in the hood"

hahaha xxxx

I'll get away to watch the smile wipe off your face.

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 23:14:13 GMT

Wow, wow, wow... I'm feeling awesome.

I've had the most immense weekend, it's been crazy! Friday I got off work and drove down to Woking for Amy's party, got a little nervous once I pulled up outside the house. I go up to the top floor (it was huge) and there's all these chicks in bunny outfits, hardly any clothes... I was the only guy there for aaaaages! But it was Amy I was interested in... She's well lovely.

So we danced, and got drunk... And I guess things happened we both regret, but it's ok, the next day we spent hours talking about, well, everything! She's totally awesome, there's no pressure with her for anything... Makes a change to meet a girl like that. Think we've arranged to go out Friday, she's gonna come up here. :)

Last night, Saturday... I went out with Dom and that, only this time Stuart came, I've seen alot of that dude lately... He's a really cool guy, it's fukin weird but he's someone I actually enjoy being around, good laugh, on the right wave length and not a dick head. :) Gonna go see his band play Wednesday, soooo good.

Today I kinda woke up being like "woaaah" ummm... Went down the golf club for a beer with Stu and then got ready for band practice, had a cider, went there... Fuck, it sucks. It's serious bollocks, I can sing but the band can't play, it's as simple as that. The drummer is cool, and our er... New bass player. But Alex and Tom... Fuck sake. Got home from band and ended up goin down another pub for a quickie, Hannahs new boyf came. Not fully sussed him out yet, but he seems normal... Which is a good start for Hannah lol!

So yeah, work tommorow then rest, tuesday will rock, wednesday will rock, thursday... Er... Dunno and Friday I get to see Amy again!!! :) :) :)

*dances* xxx

It's just...

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 21:41:12 GMT

A crush :)

Haha, wow... She's so lovely. I prolly made it kinda obvious, lol.

And well, I'm not talking about Amy, but I'm seeing her Friday and that'll be pretty awesome too!

Haha, doing a gig tommorow night... Muchos free beer, and some cash I think so! =]

Woooo, *Waits for phone to ring* haha, wow, how cute but how painfully lame... If only she knew.

Life Is A Game...

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 12:54:40 GMT

Sometimes, you win some and you lose some. We all know that right?

I've been doing alot lately, which is cool... Been a little ill too. Also been a little down I guess, looking in the mirror and thinking "fuck, I'm gonna lose the battle". Yes, that's what I'm like.

So there was easter in England, and I had like a total of 6 days off work, which felt like ages and was kinda fun-filled, on the Friday I drove to woking to meet Maddy (at last) which was cool, but kinda strange... It was her 18th party and aside from some general asses and people a little far up their own asses, I met this rather pretty chick called Amy... It always feels like the same thing lately though I guess, I'm getting bored of it, maybe she's different' but to be honest, she's prolly not. We had fun though and we've stayed in touch, exchanging lengthy emails almost on a daily basis... She seems really sweet, apparently though I'm the first guy shes kissed since breaking up with her guy of like 2-3 years? Eeek! Anyway, cut a long story short I'm going a party at hers next Friday :) so I'm pretty stoked about that!

On the saturday I went out with Phil and we had a good time, as we do... Met some random americans from Oregon, they were a good laugh... Didn't realise they were like 30 something tho lol!

What does today have instore? Hmmmm... Band practice and karaoke I reckon, Imma try and make it a team effort tonight and drag everyone down to watch me, the king of karaoke haha, well in NW London anyway. haha.

Work tommorow, work sucks... Someone take me on a pre vacation, vacation?

Did you just realise, what I just realised?

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 20:04:22 GMT

I feel fucking ill.

ill
ill
illlllllllll

I spoke with Charlotte for a long time today.

Yeah, but then I sat back... And I thought, come on Dane... Just don't get sucked in. You have like a 1 to a million chance of dating this girl. That said, I've been stuck here all day feeling crap so I'm beggining to get myself down. She seems really nice, but then so do many.

Something in me has changed today. No more fucking around now.

Do Oh Mind?!

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 09:11:57 GMT

Last night rocked, yeah.

Party at Doms house... It felt kinda like old times, when Dane get's the girl at every party... Oh and I so did. Don't think Dom would be too pleased if he found out I made out with some chick in his bed though... LOL!

Good times, Dom, Paul, Mo, Tom etc are ledges... It's all cool.

Really hope I get to hang out with that chick again, maybe go on a date... It's been a while since I met someone at a party who genuinely seems really nice and is worth the chase. Ha, she asked for my number though so we'll see... Maybe she liked me, or maybe she was just drunk too!

But yeah, and this other hottie decided to have a pen fight with me... Haha my foot is covered in pen, and my arms and for some reason there's eyeliner on my hands and face!

This is a very good start to April... And there's more than ever ahead!

Ohhh arranging to see Steph up north soon too! :P :P :P

Love.x

HELLO CALIFORNIA

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 11:20:21 GMT

So here I am.

I'm back, not from afar... Just back in my room with a cup of tea and a hangover... Yup.

I've not updated here in a few weeks mainly because I've been busy... Things have improved over the past few weeks, so much is going on!

MAINLY... I'm flying out to LA in June for one night before starting a 7 day trek the next day then spending two nights in San Francisco... I'm sooooooo off my face with excitment... I've totally got something to look forward to and I've dreamed of going to the states since I was tiny!

I've been hanging out with Dom and Paul alot lately, last weekend we had such a random time before crashing out at Mo's flat in Kilburn... Good fun! Last night they were at the pub with me, han and ben... Good laughs again, I love it when things go well like that. Tonight I'm heading to a party at Doms, pretty looking forward to that... There's also robs party wednesday cause he's back from Germany and then off to guildford Friday for another party! So stoked!

I also need to start figuring out what to do for my birthday in May lol, I don't wanna get so engrossed in sorting out my US trip that I kinda mess up my b-day, I'd love another party at mine but I doubt it's gonna be possible. We'll see though, there's still a while to go.

I'm really looking forward to some time off work soon too, deffo a well deserved break.. Things are getting pretty confrontational lately. It's all good though lol. I love dealing with people.

So now I guess I shud get dressed lol... Woooo! I think I'm gonna get in trouble tonight, cause Dom's sister is such a hottie... Eeeek!

x o x o x

Go!

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 23:56:00 GMT

SHIT

Since last night.

And tonight I've felt kinda ill, what's with these fucking nosebleeds.

I'd felt sick and tired...

then I came on Myspace, I was looking at my friend Robs profile... He does this amazing job, it's called being a Soldier... In the worlds best army. Now that started to remind me of what I've been doing since I quit school. Yeah. We won't go into that though.

But while I was on his profile, I saw he had some new top friends... People I also went to High School with, and looking at their photos reminded me of how hard I've worked and pushed myself to change and I'm fucking PROUD of who I am, fucking proud of me. And no silly brunette bitch is gonna get me down again over a bunch of silly, immature but painfully reminding words.

Never ever give up.

Be proud of YOU

xxxxxxx

Fuck Your Fucking Attitude

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 18:13:51 GMT

Ohhhh man I met some bitches last night.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck... Well ok the blonde one wasn't as bad, but there was this Brunette BITCH, made me feel awful; was such a shock.

I went home, I left.

Mo is cool though, major kudos to that guy - he's a good person, a very good person. It's people like that I wanna spend time with, not shallow bitches.

Rocked out at band practice at the studios again yday, I dunno if it's all for me ya know? Sure I can play gigs... Yeah, if we ever get that fucking far this time, but is it me? I hardly have the image right now - We had a mini photoshoot yday, gah, I looked skanky... I hate always looking shit in photos.

So yeah anyway, from today onwards gonna pick more carefully who I spend time with... No more wankers.

Karaoke tonight, if I can hurl my self esteem level up from the floor it's crashed through.

stay safe, love.

-Buddy x

And that'll be the last time...

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 11:55:32 GMT

I'll ever ask Hannah to invite some random people out with us!

OMFFFFFG, skanks... At the highlest level. Ruined the WHOOOOLE night lol.

So yeah, this weeks been long man... But kinda a laugh. But like yesterday, I -finally- had a good excuse to go see that chick at work and then someone messes it up totally lol, I was soooo close. Well annoyed lol.

Tonight is St Patricks day here in England and like it brings back memories of last year so much :( I was soooo smitten, I was dating Alex... Like the hottest chick in town, and... We went to a party in Edgware and she got wasted and passed out and I looked after her all night while she was pretty much throwing up in the bath... Man I thought that sucked a little but it didn't matter, cause she was my girlfriend.

This just highlights how much of an asshole I was for dumping her for Sarah and how much I wish things could be different. :(

I miss her more than before, not good considering I'm actually through with all the Sarah stuff for the most... I saw her at the pub Tuesday and she tried to be cutsie, I'm not feeling any of that anymore. All I see is a shell. I've awoken and realised I don't wanna look back and only see me moping over someone I loved but lost. It's the same with Alex... Allthough that was never as serious.

So we're moving on, I've yet another new band... This time 'Sweet Syndrome' www.myspace.com/sweetsyndrome and Alex has pissed me off already by putting a shitty practice song on there where I sound totally awful.

I quite like my hair atm, allthough it's kinda a mess.

Oh... And haha this like 30 year old chick at work has a crush on me apparently, how sweet. :)

And Angela well wants to go out... Pffft. She's a hottie but I'm not feeling it for some reason.

That Emily girl on the other hand... :P

but no, cause I want someone a little older. Like... 20?

Haha I'm such a hussey. yeah.

Ok time for the bath and mothersday shoppy shop shops.

I need a new job too lol.

Good People

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 18:40:37 GMT

I love that feeling; the one I get when someone is genuinely nice to me... Guys, girls, it's nice.

I'm in one of those moods today where I could just burst into tears, but that wouldn't be right... I wouldn't do it. Not these days anyway.

I wish there was someone I could really confide in still, but that last person ruined any remaning trust I had left, but hey, best friends... Or in her case, girlfriends too... They come and go.

I hate the way I sit here in my room and listen to all the abuse I'm getting from downstairs, it's horrible... Why are some people so nasty? The slighest little thing and she blows up, she never ever should of had children... And as for that wanker of a bloke, well.

All I want is to be able to come home at the end of the working day and like get ready to go out, or chill at home in a nice warm feeling atmosphere... I hate arguments and fighting all the time, and being called everyname under the sun for no reason. It's really not be causing this... I've never had any problems anywhere else.

Being here like this reduces me to a total low.

More than ever before, I've got to get out... But I've no means of doing it, no money... Because it's all payed out on rent here to be treated like a cunt. No more.

I wish I could touch you again...

.x.NEVER GIVE UP.x.

It's Time

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 16:25:48 GMT

I'm bored.

Really bored.

Came home from Beckys (party last night) early this morning, haha woke up next to this cute blonde girl called Emily... Haha, she's well cute, we flirted like the whole night. I didn't make a move though, she was kinda drunk and as I know her it wudda felt wrong. She's nice though. :)

The party sucked in a way, and in other ways it was cool... Nothing amazing though. Spent alot of the night wanting a good excuse to put a few people in their place, but gah... I was in one of those shitty if-anyone-starts-I'm-gonna-go-off-on-one moods. I knew there was something about those guys, came out this morning and found a mirror missing from my car, cunts. Then the cops came to beckys and informed her there's a £180 worth of damage on other peoples property. Shame they don't live near by otherwise I'd be paying them a visit right now.

Dunno what to do this afternoon / evening, not really got any plans... :( don't wanna stay in though!

Senses Fail's songs... I go on about them alot lately, I totally feel it... They help me relate to my pains in life sometimes ya know? Bad emotion.

I've gotta stop this shit, I've gotta get back on top of it... I hate hating what I see when I look in the mirror.

I'm phoning the RAF Careers monday, that's when they're back... The trade I'm interested in (and scored for) is open now, I'm gonna go for it... I mean ok it's not what I had my heart set on at all, but, once you're in you're in... I've done research and it's grown on me. The RAF is the RAF no matter what trade you are, espesh now days... Airman (warfighter) first, tradesman second. So the Regt keep telling us anyway. The only thing I'm worried about is that dude at the AFCO that always gives me a hard time about my choices. I'm honestly hoping this time I'm actually gonna get somewhere with this... I mean this application begun in Summer 05! I need change, a new life, a new town, and something to aim for... The RAF can give me that now. Not before, but now.

Run with me?

Stop Shouting

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 22:41:28 GMT

Ok so the crush thing is way stupid, I mean that chick is, like, older than me anyway and I look a total mess on a daily basis. Haha, silly me.

Aren't thoughts sweet though? She seems to have, like, a personality to die for :) But yeah *shuts up*

Last night at the pub was fun, and I didn't get drunk! :) but like I keep telling the likes of Bryony and Laura, you don't need to be drunk to have fun!

Tonights been a bit bad, as ususal, major argument with the fucking freeloader that is my Mom's boyf... So I'm like on the computer and he stumbles across to me and is like "don't leave stuff in my fucking bedroom" and I'm like "Waaaaaaaaaaaah?" I reminded him that it's certainly not his bedroom, and that he's lucky to be in the house nevermind taking childish 'posession' of things. Wanker. Like seriously, that proper fucked me off... But it's not like I went off on one, just set him straight. Anyway, as usual the prick didn't like being put in his place and has been going off on one ever since, I've been called every name under the sun, I'm gonna have my face smashed in blah blah blah blah... But guess what!? It doesn't 'phase' me one little bit, what a loser lol... The guy is like 50 odd and he acts about 15. Anyway, telling him to keep his mouth down fucks him off too, he doesn't like the fact that I'll never give in / be talked down to. It's my fuckin £300 a month I pay to live here, he pays nothing!

I soooo wanna move out, I just can't afford it... Man, I need some super pay rise or something lol.

From What I've Heard

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 18:04:36 GMT

Ok so it's totally lame, my face is burning at the thought of the whole deal, but I totally have a crush on this chick at work... *hides*

I coulda actually died earlier... Haha, I havn't felt like that in ages, how cute... But how silly! :)

Mmmm, dinner and bar time me thinks!

:) xxxxxxxxxx

BLUNT.

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 19:52:35 GMT

I'm fed up with weirdos.
I'm fed up with that bollocks Company.
I'm fed up with being alone.
I'm fed up with looking like this.
I'm fed up with feeling like this.
I'm fed up with being fed up.
I'm fed up with thinking of Alex
I'm fed with feeling stupid.
I'm fed up with my mistakes.
I'm fed up with Myspace.
I'm fed up with Singing.
I'm fed up with going out and not having any fun.
I'm fed up with there being no-one cool to hang out with at work.

I'm fed up with wondering when it's gonna change.

It's so nice...

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 19:27:43 GMT

Sitting very still, in a room where no-one else can feel.

I'm not happy.

I'm not being very me lately, I don't know what's up. I'm not gonna make the mistake of writing on here in a depressive manner though, I'm not like that anymore.

Last night was Alex The Boy From Pinner's 20th (and Jakes 18th) I wasn't totally hyped about it, but I was looking forward to it, even brought something new to wear. It sucked though, I got wasted on wine and beer too... I don't remember much about the night at all other than spending like an hour in the womens toilets with Alex The Girl From Pinner (my ex) talking, as usual, about our break up like last fukin April.

Seeing her is a painful reminder, she's beautiful... But more importantly, she know's stuff. We have a special thingy going on... But gah, I went and ruined that aswell.

I'll tell you exactly what it feels like with me these days, I have something good going for me and I destroy it... And I don't know what's making me keep doing it.

I need a plan, and career ideas!

Sarah comes back to England Tuesday. :S

xx